From the moment you were expecting your first child, you were likely bombarded with advice, anecdotes, and aspirational guidance from friends, family, and internet-based talking heads. Some of this input was likely helpful, perhaps even solicited, but much of it likely fell flat or short of solving the real-world struggles you had as your child grew into a small human with big ideas of their own.
Nearly 20 years ago,
I began studying parenting stress and behavior as a member of the Positive Parenting Research Team in my doctoral program. Our research group was focused on improving parents’ abilities to respond effectively to challenging child behaviors. Outside the lab, we worked directly with parents in a clinical setting to assess their current strategies, suggest new strategies, and measure the outcome for both the parent and the child. I was so impressed that we could affect so much change in the child’s behavior without ever meeting the child. This experience left an indelible mark and has continued to inform my practice to this day. When a parent asks me whether they should send their child to therapy, we almost always begin by working with the parent alone and this is almost always sufficient to solve the problem.
If you’ve ever tried to force your child into a pair of shoes, or to brush their teeth, or to simply hurry up when you’re running late, you know these efforts are usually futile. Engaging in a power struggle with a tantrum-ing toddler or an acerbic adolescent rarely leads to positive outcomes; parents need a unique skillset for managing their own reactions in these challenging scenarios. In parent coaching, we don’t answer the question, “How can I get my kid to put on his shoes when it’s time to go?” Instead, we answer the questions, “How can I keep my cool when my kid is being totally uncooperative?” and “How can I be on the same team as my kid so we can get the ball down the field together?”
Decreasing challenging child behaviors is really about decreasing the parents’ distress in the moment so that the parent can select an appropriate tool for the given situation. If I’m already frazzled and feeling close to the edge, I’m more likely to lose it when my kid misbehaves in public. Similarly, if I interpret my kid’s behavior in a manner that increases my distress, I’m far less likely to take a measured action when they are being uncooperative. By learning distress tolerance skills and cognitive reframing (to name only two), parents are better equipped to deescalate in-the-moment crises and also to prevent future meltdowns.
Problems like delaying bedtime in early childhood or refusing to attend school in adolescence are major sources of stress for parents. But most of us never got advice about how to effectively manage these situations. Friends might tell you they simply suffered until their child outgrew the behavior, or maybe their child attended therapy with fair, but somewhat disappointing results.
Unfortunately, society has not yet entirely normalized the need for parent coaching, so many parents assume their only option is to wait it out, try harsh punishments, or bribe their kids into better behavior. Fortunately, other options do exist! Parent coaching (or parent training, as it’s sometimes called) is based in the well-researched science of behaviorism. As a scientist-practitioner, I’ve both published and practiced the science of parenting and I’m here to tell you: there is hope! There are real, concrete strategies that will help you feel more relaxed, in control, and competent in your role as a parent.